HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
be right there i have to get my cape
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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