lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
