WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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