the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
