I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
