she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This is classic penis vs brain.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
