That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
