i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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