I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize