Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
