Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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