just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You ruined the universe
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
