I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
