Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
