Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize