watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
