i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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