Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
