I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
