I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
