My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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