I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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