remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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