and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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