why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
