I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize