its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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