I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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