i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize