Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
