You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
