I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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