i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
