Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
