that's what penises do
they tell lies.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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