You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You pole danced in your parka.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
