Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
