I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
