My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
