so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
