I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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