I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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