Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
