I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
A bitchslap is in order.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
