Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
