My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
