i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
