there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just want nice things and good sex
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
