I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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