cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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