I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
