I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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