sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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