She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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