I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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