Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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