If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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