Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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