it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
