we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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