mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
