No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
should my penis look like a turkey
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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