i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
