it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize