After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
