Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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