I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
