if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
